Have you ever had a season of intense spiritual battle, when it seems almost impossible for you to do the things you most desire to do?   I came across this entry from May of 2017.   It was season of struggling.  I felt dryness and strangely  disconnected from my Lord.  I could not stay on task, concentrate on my writing or the things I needed to do, and what I desired to do!  The effort it took  to complete anything at this time was baffling. It felt like there were invisible weights on my body and spirit, and I could not find the energy to break free!   Night after night I went to bed feeling defeated!  Week after week I grew more convinced that I was never going to accomplish what the LORD gave me to do!   I felt I was like the servant who hid the talents the Master gave to him in the ground!  I tried not to look around at others who were running their races, but it seemed it could not be avoided, because they were all passing me by!  I was more than discouraged.  And, no matter how desperately I knew I needed to go to my prayer closet and fall on my face, it took hours to get there.

Then as I was praying one day in desperation, I asked Heavenly Father to take my free will!   I begged Him to accept my will as my offering to Him.  My Free Will Offering!   I wanted to put control of my will into the hands of my Father!  I realized it was His gift to us all, but I wanted to give mine back to Him!  I could not bear this “freedom” I had to squander His gifts any longer.  They are His.  I am His.  Why not give Him my free will as well?   I believed that would solve all my problems!  Since He grants the desires of my heart, and all I wanted to do was to serve Him as He created me to serve Him…it made sense to me that He should just take control of my will, and my struggles would be over!  

The next morning I was writing in my prayer journal, thanking my Holy Father for ministering to me so wonderfully in our prayer time the day before. I still had questions and I still did not understand what was happening with me.  This is my wonderful Heavenly Father’s teaching

“…There is great warfare over the production of the fruit and the harvest
that will be made manifest as the words of life are released.
Hold fast!  I will lead you safely through the mine fields to the places of safety.
You will be attacked, but I have sealed you for your protection
and I am with you holding your hand; None can touch you!
  Stay close to Me for I am your protection. 

You gave to Me the free will offering.
You do not really understand what the offering was, or what it means;
But you want to offer Me your free will in exchange for My will to be done in your life.

I will not take your free will from you!
But I will receive your love for Me.
I understand what you are trying to offer Me and it touches My heart.

My precious, I will not take your free will!
For without it you cannot offer your love to Me,
your obedience to Me or any other sacrificial gift that is so precious to Me!
I know they are difficult to offer up!
It is because of the free will; Because you are free;
Because it is so difficult to traverse the traps set by the enemy, and the obstacles to come to Me,
that the offering means so much!

I understand your heart in this My daughter, and it pleases Me!
But your great struggle is against your-Self, your own will;
And that is where you must keep your eyes fixed on Me.

If I took your free will from you, not only would you become a slave to Me;
 and a slave does not inherit,
but you would be deprived of your greatest gift and offering you could give to Me.
Your obedience is an offering to Me, and you must learn obedience.

You must be vigilant over your thoughts and distractions and all your actions
in order to train YOUR-SELF to walk in obedience with Me.  

You have much to do.  Go and do it now!” 

…So, what does this all mean?  This means that our Lord cannot and will not take our Free Will from us!  It is His gift to us for the purpose of showing our love to Him!  He will not remove it, even though we struggle and fall in our battle against our flesh!  It is our obedience to Him that is so precious!  He knows our weaknesses!  He knows we are but flesh!  He knows that the mind is enmity towards the things of heaven!!  And, that is what makes our offering, our sacrifice of obedience against the forces of our flesh so priceless to Him!  In 1Samual 15:22 we are told that “To obey is better than sacrifice!”  Jesus says, If you love me, you will keep my commands, in John 14:15-30.  

Remember  2 Corinthians 12:8-10, when the apostle Paul cried out to Him three times to remove the thorn in his flesh?  What was the answer Heavenly Father gave him?  “My Grace is sufficient for you!  For when we are weak, then He is strong!”  While we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world and spiritual wickedness in high places, (Ephesians 6:12) He has provided ahead for us!  He has provided armor for us!  We are to put on the armor of God!  And when we have done all to stand, we are to stand fast in the power, not of our might… But His!  Because, it is not about what I can do, but what HE can and will and has already done for me!  I need to remember that HE is the author and the finisher of my faith, and He who began this good work in Christ in me will also bring it to completion!  Philippians 1:6

And finally, like David the flawed shepherd king who was a man after the heart of God sang in the 23rd Psalm, even when I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for He is with me!!  Yes, I was beat up.  I wanted my Father to take what I felt was the culprit of my struggles from me… My own personal thorn in my flesh!  I wanted Him to take my free will as an offering.  But I realize that is my walk of faith.

This is my testament of His power to keep me.  This is where His grace abounds over and around me.  It is for His joy and to His glory that I stand in the power of His might today.  He is faithful.  Glory be to my Heavenly Gracious Loving Father!  

Posted to Blog Wednesday morning October 10th 2018